STFU

I'm a fucking wreck of a person and its stupid to think that that will ever fucking change. Why try so fucking hard when nothings changed? A huge part of me wishes I could just fuck off and leave everything behind. Become someone completely new start the play over, pick a new part and this time not fall out of character. Keep my secrets to myself. Stupid overly sensitive bitch.

Living alone

I don't know if I'm ready for it. Am I making a mistake? I'm worried I'm just going to super regret it later.

Complicated

I did something really bad... But I don't regret it, I think? I guess more then anything I regret not regretting it. I muddled everything up and just ended up confusing myself. Maybe I'm just being stupid and hungover. I need to think.

Post Thanksgiving

After the Thanksgiving binge I was unable to buy laxies. So I guess that's kind of a good thing. I weighed myself inaccurately. At the doctors i supposedly weighed 109 with my pockets stuffed with heavy things. Lucky for me they dont realize how much extra I actually have on me. That and they've never had a reason for concern before which is nice. Summertime will probably be harder. Tonight is a liquid fast and im hoping to do the same tomorrow except for possibly a rice cake with half a serving of pb2. I think then is when ill actually weigh myself.... God i hope its not bad :(

Thanksgiving

Bingeing then laxies. Fuck it. Fucking fuck.

Am I even?

If I eat a meal a day am I anorexic? Purity, I want to be pure I dont want this EDNOS shit. Tell me im sick. Tell me im obessed. Tell me ill die if I dont eat. Maybe then ill be perfect.

Fasting

When all I want is just one fucking waffle and the battle that goes with it. I broke down yesterday and ate and I just want to know what my body weight is but the waffle is calling to me. And ramen and pizza and zebra cakes and Doritos. Thank God I can't spend any money right now @_@

Pizza

Pizza and drinking will be my downfall. Thank god for not having a place to store snacks. Supposedly I could be 85 a little after Christmas.... This excited and scares me. What's it like to be normal? My antidepressants are working which just means I dont wake up everyday wishing I didn't which is nice I guess. I'm confused about a lot of things and im worried im crossing a line with a current friendship. Should I back off? I dont want to. But its getting me all confused and... What I devolve to more self destruction?

99.6

I thought for sure I'd weigh more. I had a slice of pizza today. Tomorrow will be a fast and then a high calorie day. I cant find my vitamins. Rockstar now has three flavors of zero cal that I love.

Over the past five days

I've had about 1,199 calories... Which is funny because even when I thought I was eating so much I was hardly eating at all. I weighed myself with a probably highly inaccurate scale expecting to be at least 110. Supposedly I'm 104 I'm 38 hours into my liquid fast tomorrow I plan on maybe having a 10 calorie flavored water with my energy drink and then alternating 1 and 2 cans of green tea a day. Recovery, ha! That was just more denial and lying to myself. I want to stop but even more I never want to.

Liar

Tell me I'm beautiful. Tell me I'm funny, cute, smart. Tell me I'm more then this. Tell me you care. Tell me you see me. Do you see me? Tell me I special, I'm different, I'm lovely. I'll tell you you're lying.

Back again

I don't know why I keep torturing myself like this. Admitted to my mother that I recognize I have a problem. She to say the least was not surprised. Told me she tried getting me into the hospital for anorexia but they were full. I dont remember that. I "recovered" again which just means that I tried to eat at least one meal a day but still the calories kept skipping through my head. I haven't used a scale in a month. I'm scared. I think I might go pick mine up. According to a calculator online 105 is considered an "anorexic" weight for my height. Which just seems silly because 105 to me is still fat. I know that's wrong. I know its wrong but its fat. Huge. Disgusting. Ok maybe not disgusting but what id give to be 97 again. 2 more pounds and I would've been 95. Just two. Fucking failure.

Self harm

My cats dead. He was my soulcat my best friend. Just like me with his anxiety and neediness. I dont want to go over the story again. I'm drunk and I cut myself for the first time in two months. At least I'm finally off the binge train...

Say Uncle

If I could talk to you id tell you how I barely remember you. In my mind your face is a blur, and I hate you with everything in me. I would tell you how desperately I cling to the three memories of the sister you killed. How every day I wonder how beautiful she would be now. I would tell you how much I hate myself. How I cut, burned, bruised and starved myself for the past 14 years because I think I deserve it. I would tell you how I still cant look people in the eyes and how it hurts to be touched. I would tell you every bad thing I've let happen since because I wasn't worthy of anything better. I would blindly scream at you. I would tell you how often I've wanted to hit you give you the same fucking welts and watch you cry how I've wanted to do it over and over until you accepted that life was meant to be lived in pain and the only thing you could do was just force a laugh. And then I would cry. And I would hate you even more for seeing me cry again. And I would remind you that I don't remember. All I remember is fear and hatred. I hate you so fucking much and I dont remember why.

Birthdays

I'm 21 now. Cool. Went to my boyfriends nephews birthday and pictures were taken. This was the first full bodied picture I've seen of me in a while. I'm a stick. But when I look down at myself I see jiggly revolting fat.

Day one of no binge complete (101.8)

   Yesterday I had 0 cal lipton citrus green tea. Aaaannd an oreo annnnddd my tomato juice (30)
Hopefully I'll keep it up today I was 104 a couple of days ago from all the bingeing.
   It was also my birthday, I turned 21 and bought a car :3 not sure what else to say...

I'm hungry.

Bingeing

   The worst part is knowing that what I consider a binge is something "normal" people would eat for one meal. Knowing how stupid and irrational I am is the thing that pisses me off the most. I want to study psychology and become a therapist but who would want a therapist who can't even help herself?
   I ate three pieces of meat lovers three cheese stuffed crust pizza and I'm a fat fucking pig.
   But I'm not.
   Thinking rationally I know that I am still underweight. I am skinny. But all I can see is the bloating. Burping is a sign that I'm disgusting. That I have no control. That I'm that much further from where I want to be which is nowhere near where I should be.
   I found out that if I made it to 90 lbs I'd be risking a heart attack. And it doesn't bother me. I long for 85. I don't even know if that's possible. 
   I think I'm going to start doing morning walks along with my post-work walk.
   My meal plan is Breakfast: iced coffee (50) Lunch: small tomato juice (30) no dinner and a flavored water (10) and 0 cal 0 carb energy drink and all the water I want. Total: 90 calories but I can't do that right now. I let myself have half a cookie today thinking that could prevent a binge and it didn't.
   I'm a failure and yet at the same time there's another part of me telling me it's good that I'm eating again.
   I'll let you know how tomorrow goes.

Two days til my birthday. Yay, or whatever.

Anorexia myths

They don't eat.
This is stupid. I myself have been triggered because I admitted to a coworker that I have a problem with food and her response was "but you have a sandwich..." it was actually half a sandwich that I measured out exactly the right amount of peanut butter and jelly plus a low cal bread so it would total 80 calories and it was the only thing I was planning on eating that day. I ended up only being able to take a bite before I threw the rest away because she made me feel like I was a failure for eating.
You can't not eat. Unless you want to pass out, get sick and die. Most of my pals online do heavy restricting with some fasting but even then it's with coffee or tea. I read about week long fasts and such but a lot of times you end up bingeing because your body craves nutrients and sustenance. There are also some that eat up to 1000 calories a day but exercise it all away.
Just because someone eats an apple doesn't mean they're ok.

They're always skinny.
WRONG. Like anyone who goes on a normal healthy diet they don't immediately become thinner. There's a lot of people who eat under 300 a day in the obese range of weight because they just haven't lost anything YET. Or maybe they end up bingeing or who knows what else.

Boys can't get it.
I can't even...

It's for attention.
Occasionally we get what you'd call a wannarexic. The "I didn't eat breakfast wow I'm so ana" but even so most don't flaunt it. It's like saying someone with schizophrenia wants attention.

They just need to eat.
One of the things about anorexia is a fear of food or gaining weight. If you're super terrified with spiders would you just get over it if I threw you in a pit full of them? Didn't think so. Trust me if I could "just eat" and not feel like a fat fuck and spend the rest of the day telling myself what a failure I am I would be the happiest girl in the world. 
Force feeding someone with this disorder is only going to make them purge (suuuuper bad for you) or just eat less/fast the next few days.

You can just become anorexic.
This isn't a cold. We can't sneeze on you and magically you have no appetite. We can't teach you how to starve yourself or motivate you to stop eating. It's self induced. Most of us are just as hungry as you. We're just terrified of gaining.

The online community is harmful and promotes starving yourself.
If you've seen Starving in Suburbia know that almost everything in that movie is hollywood fiction. You won't find people encouraging you to eat less especially if you don't have a problem. You'll get a lot of "hon just eat healthy around 1200 cals and exercise. Don't go down this road." Mostly I see a lot of tips on bettering your existance. "Here's the vitamins you need to prevent hair loss. If you think your heart is in trouble eat/drink this. GO TO A DOCTOR NOW if this happens etc." I've had quite a few people encourage me to eat more. 
Also there's no creepy chants or becoming feral. Just general irritation from being hungry.

It's just a diet.
No it's fear. It's an obsession. It's a game of "how far can I go before a heart attack?" A quest for perfection.
Most of all it's being trapped in a sickness you don't want to be free from.

Once upon a time

   There was a little girl born. She was named Charlotte. With an alcoholic mother three siblings and abuse she was put into foster care with her little family. Two of the siblings had fetal alcohol and needed more care so she sunk into the woodwork for everyone but the eldest girl. 
And then when she was six the eldest was beaten to death by yet another abusive home. She became a ghost with the nickname "squeek"
   Years later when she was 11 her and her remaining two siblings were adopted by a family that didn't know what they were getting into. Her siblings spent much of their time in residential treatments due to aggressiveness and violence and she herself went to a juvie, three psych ward trips and a four month stay in a treatment for her self-harm. 
   I was always a thin child. Food to me was something to survive and not a thing of enjoyment, just a waste of my time. When I turned 13 I hit puberty and realized that I might not continue to stay thin. My body was growing larger and I was terrified I wouldn't be "the skinny one" anymore.
   I started to eat less. Not as a conscious decision. I wasn't thinking of losing weight just not gaining. I was shy but exuberant around my friends. I didn't have a diet plan. It was mostly just "don't eat until you pass out".
   I didn't think about it. I ate sometimes when there was something I wanted, otherwise I was indifferent. In high school my mom made me drink diet shakes and what not to try and get me to gain extra weight. And I did. I stopped eating lunch and she noticed and yelled at me for it. I didn't think it was a problem. So then at school I'd buy a muffin and pick it apart then eventually throwing it away.
   She found out and I got yelled at for wasting money. Which seemed goofy to me because in my mind it wasn't that she wanted me to eat just that she wanted me to buy lunch but then would yell because I wasted it. So why couldn't she just not pay for me to have lunch?
   I'm not totally sure what my lowest weight was at the time but I remember her being upset at me because people were making comments to her about how skinny I was. I didn't see it as a problem or any of their business. 

   I guess I was in complete denial. I still am.

   I remember hitting 110 lbs at 5'5" and thinking "There! Now she has to be happy I'm HUGE"
No.
   She told me she wanted me to get to 115 lbs and that terrified and disgusted me.
I lived years barely eating and fluctuating between 102 and 110.
When I moved to Fargo, ND at 19 to live with my older sister and get a job I got down to 97 due to all the walking and my waitress job. I don't know if I've ever eaten "normal". I don't know what that is. To me three meals a day is a lot of time you could be doing something else and one meal a day was perfect.

Now one meal a day for me is a binge.

This is my story about my "problem" with food.