The worst part is knowing that what I consider a binge is something "normal" people would eat for one meal. Knowing how stupid and irrational I am is the thing that pisses me off the most. I want to study psychology and become a therapist but who would want a therapist who can't even help herself?
I ate three pieces of meat lovers three cheese stuffed crust pizza and I'm a fat fucking pig.
But I'm not.
Thinking rationally I know that I am still underweight. I am skinny. But all I can see is the bloating. Burping is a sign that I'm disgusting. That I have no control. That I'm that much further from where I want to be which is nowhere near where I should be.
I found out that if I made it to 90 lbs I'd be risking a heart attack. And it doesn't bother me. I long for 85. I don't even know if that's possible.
I think I'm going to start doing morning walks along with my post-work walk.
My meal plan is Breakfast: iced coffee (50) Lunch: small tomato juice (30) no dinner and a flavored water (10) and 0 cal 0 carb energy drink and all the water I want. Total: 90 calories but I can't do that right now. I let myself have half a cookie today thinking that could prevent a binge and it didn't.
I'm a failure and yet at the same time there's another part of me telling me it's good that I'm eating again.
I'll let you know how tomorrow goes.
Two days til my birthday. Yay, or whatever.
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