Once upon a time

   There was a little girl born. She was named Charlotte. With an alcoholic mother three siblings and abuse she was put into foster care with her little family. Two of the siblings had fetal alcohol and needed more care so she sunk into the woodwork for everyone but the eldest girl. 
And then when she was six the eldest was beaten to death by yet another abusive home. She became a ghost with the nickname "squeek"
   Years later when she was 11 her and her remaining two siblings were adopted by a family that didn't know what they were getting into. Her siblings spent much of their time in residential treatments due to aggressiveness and violence and she herself went to a juvie, three psych ward trips and a four month stay in a treatment for her self-harm. 
   I was always a thin child. Food to me was something to survive and not a thing of enjoyment, just a waste of my time. When I turned 13 I hit puberty and realized that I might not continue to stay thin. My body was growing larger and I was terrified I wouldn't be "the skinny one" anymore.
   I started to eat less. Not as a conscious decision. I wasn't thinking of losing weight just not gaining. I was shy but exuberant around my friends. I didn't have a diet plan. It was mostly just "don't eat until you pass out".
   I didn't think about it. I ate sometimes when there was something I wanted, otherwise I was indifferent. In high school my mom made me drink diet shakes and what not to try and get me to gain extra weight. And I did. I stopped eating lunch and she noticed and yelled at me for it. I didn't think it was a problem. So then at school I'd buy a muffin and pick it apart then eventually throwing it away.
   She found out and I got yelled at for wasting money. Which seemed goofy to me because in my mind it wasn't that she wanted me to eat just that she wanted me to buy lunch but then would yell because I wasted it. So why couldn't she just not pay for me to have lunch?
   I'm not totally sure what my lowest weight was at the time but I remember her being upset at me because people were making comments to her about how skinny I was. I didn't see it as a problem or any of their business. 

   I guess I was in complete denial. I still am.

   I remember hitting 110 lbs at 5'5" and thinking "There! Now she has to be happy I'm HUGE"
No.
   She told me she wanted me to get to 115 lbs and that terrified and disgusted me.
I lived years barely eating and fluctuating between 102 and 110.
When I moved to Fargo, ND at 19 to live with my older sister and get a job I got down to 97 due to all the walking and my waitress job. I don't know if I've ever eaten "normal". I don't know what that is. To me three meals a day is a lot of time you could be doing something else and one meal a day was perfect.

Now one meal a day for me is a binge.

This is my story about my "problem" with food.