Post Thanksgiving

After the Thanksgiving binge I was unable to buy laxies. So I guess that's kind of a good thing. I weighed myself inaccurately. At the doctors i supposedly weighed 109 with my pockets stuffed with heavy things. Lucky for me they dont realize how much extra I actually have on me. That and they've never had a reason for concern before which is nice. Summertime will probably be harder. Tonight is a liquid fast and im hoping to do the same tomorrow except for possibly a rice cake with half a serving of pb2. I think then is when ill actually weigh myself.... God i hope its not bad :(

Thanksgiving

Bingeing then laxies. Fuck it. Fucking fuck.

Am I even?

If I eat a meal a day am I anorexic? Purity, I want to be pure I dont want this EDNOS shit. Tell me im sick. Tell me im obessed. Tell me ill die if I dont eat. Maybe then ill be perfect.

Fasting

When all I want is just one fucking waffle and the battle that goes with it. I broke down yesterday and ate and I just want to know what my body weight is but the waffle is calling to me. And ramen and pizza and zebra cakes and Doritos. Thank God I can't spend any money right now @_@

Pizza

Pizza and drinking will be my downfall. Thank god for not having a place to store snacks. Supposedly I could be 85 a little after Christmas.... This excited and scares me. What's it like to be normal? My antidepressants are working which just means I dont wake up everyday wishing I didn't which is nice I guess. I'm confused about a lot of things and im worried im crossing a line with a current friendship. Should I back off? I dont want to. But its getting me all confused and... What I devolve to more self destruction?

99.6

I thought for sure I'd weigh more. I had a slice of pizza today. Tomorrow will be a fast and then a high calorie day. I cant find my vitamins. Rockstar now has three flavors of zero cal that I love.

Over the past five days

I've had about 1,199 calories... Which is funny because even when I thought I was eating so much I was hardly eating at all. I weighed myself with a probably highly inaccurate scale expecting to be at least 110. Supposedly I'm 104 I'm 38 hours into my liquid fast tomorrow I plan on maybe having a 10 calorie flavored water with my energy drink and then alternating 1 and 2 cans of green tea a day. Recovery, ha! That was just more denial and lying to myself. I want to stop but even more I never want to.

Liar

Tell me I'm beautiful. Tell me I'm funny, cute, smart. Tell me I'm more then this. Tell me you care. Tell me you see me. Do you see me? Tell me I special, I'm different, I'm lovely. I'll tell you you're lying.

Back again

I don't know why I keep torturing myself like this. Admitted to my mother that I recognize I have a problem. She to say the least was not surprised. Told me she tried getting me into the hospital for anorexia but they were full. I dont remember that. I "recovered" again which just means that I tried to eat at least one meal a day but still the calories kept skipping through my head. I haven't used a scale in a month. I'm scared. I think I might go pick mine up. According to a calculator online 105 is considered an "anorexic" weight for my height. Which just seems silly because 105 to me is still fat. I know that's wrong. I know its wrong but its fat. Huge. Disgusting. Ok maybe not disgusting but what id give to be 97 again. 2 more pounds and I would've been 95. Just two. Fucking failure.