Sigh

I want to kill myself all the time. I cant not self harm for more than a few weeks.
Im in love and happy but i still cant shake my suicidal urges.
I have a gofundme to help with getting a better job to afford my previous bills and to help me be less scared to go for my dreams. That and... I reject hanging out with anyone out of fear...
I just want to be able to afford having time to breathe so i can go to college.
My gofundme link gofundme.com/FightingMe

Had a potpie

281 cals total including the vodka. Good on me.

Day one

~297 clories total
Tomorrow i cook mini potpies for the babe and his dad. Hope i dont eat any of it. Maybe ill have some chicken...
Hair bleaching and dance time.

So tired from work...

I believe in me :)

Step one: find my scale
Step two: No lunch or breakfast until after work
Step 3: Obsessive MFP
Step 4: Get control
Step 4 1/2: start weighing everyday
Step 5: BURN OFF EVERYTHING I EAT AND MORE
Step 6: Work towards perfection

Post Recovery...

I am a fatty, lardy 144 lbs... An ex made me think I could eat and I was healthy. And then he left me and I ate and ate and ate and ate.... I'm with someone new. I'm pretending to myself that I'm just looking to lose a few pounds but we all know thats a lie...
   Coupled with my alcohol abuse... And other things...
   Haha recovery...

Relapse

I don't know how much I weigh... I don't want to know.
All I want is to fit in my clothes.
To have my bones be the most prominent part of me.
I like having an ass and breasts but it that means I'm flabby then no thanks.
I don't have money to buy more food.
So hopefully rationing with bring up my tolerance for starving.
I'm going to try to exercise....
GIVE ME MY BONES BACK.